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Jonah and the Crappy Quest of Ninivavinin is a WoopDooCrafter on DVD released June 23, 2015. Lyrics. KIDS and DAD Now Billy Joe McGuffrey Was a really clumsy kid On the 1st day of 1st grade I'll tell you what he did He tripped over a pencil box Flew up in the air Landed on a kangaroo Who pulled out all his hair He needed 1st aid (clap) in the 1st grade (clap) 1st aid (clap) in the 1st grade (clap) 1st aid (clap) in the 1st grade (clap) You could a buy a zoo With all the doctor bills he paid! Oh Billy Joe McGuffrey Was a really clumsy kid On the 2nd day of 2nd grade I'll tell you what he did He slipped on a banana peel Flew up in the sky Landed on a chimpanzee Who poked him in the eye He needed 1st aid (clap) in the 2nd grade (2claps) 1st aid (clap) in the 2nd grade (2claps) 1st aid (clap) in the 2nd grade (2claps) You could a buy a zoo With all the doctor bills he paid! BOB (under breath) ... Route 59? BOB, while fumbling with the map, inadvertently hits the headlight switch - turning them off. NEAR BLACK. BOB startles. Bob (cont'd) AAAAH! LIGHTS! AAAAH! DAD accidently smacks BOB in the back of the head with the neck of the guitar. As the kids are singing in near black, we hear Bob frantically trying to find the light switch - map rustling, tires squealing, engine revving, etc.... BOB (cont'd) (ad lib) Whoa... lights! Lights! Lights! EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD. HEADLIGHTS back on. Camera street level as the van passes over it. We cut to a rear view to see the van driving on. A beam of moon light reveals a "porcupine crossing" hazard sign. INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN. BOB gives DAD a stern glance. DAD remains happily "strumming" the guitar. KIDS AND DAD Now Billy Joe McGuffrey Was a really clumsy kid On the 3rd day of 3rd grade I'll tell you what he did He fell out of a fishing boat Splashed into the sea Landed on a moray eel Who bit him on the knee He needed 1st aid (clap) in the 3rd grade (3claps) 1st aid (clap) in the 3rd grade (3claps) 1st aid (clap) in the 3rd grade (3claps) You could a buy a zoo With all the doctor bills he paid! LAURA looks down at her ticket, smiling. It reads, "In Concert - Twippo! Backstage Pass" LAURA (reverently - with awe) ...I get to meet Twippo... Laura picks the song right up again... Song has been increasing in tempo and is now at a fevered pitch. DAD Twelfth grade! KIDS AND DAD Now Billy Joe McGuffrey Was a really clumsy kid On the 12th day of 12th grade I'll tell you what he did Walked into financial aid Fell and broke a bone Showed them all his bills and Got a great big College Loan! And he got 1st aid(clap)in the 12th grade (12claps) TAB: 21? All 1st aid(clap)in the 12th grade (12claps) 1st aid(clap)in the 12th grade (12claps) You could a buy a zoo or two with all the doctor bills he paid! You could a buy a zoo or two with all the doctor bills he paid! Big Ending. KIDS CHEER and DAD STRUMS wildly at end of song. KIDS Hurray!! KIDS comment: PERCY Let's do another Twippo song! ANNIE I love Twippo! JR Me too! LAURA (holding her 'special' ticket aloft) But I'm the only one who gets to meet him, because I won the Twippo Sweepstakes! LAURA'S ticket is proudly displayed in Junior's face as she delivers her line. Jr: You have to rub it in! DAD It's great that you won the contest, Laura, but let's try not to brag about it. (to Bob) Nice one with the lights, Bob! BOB, covered in map, receives DAD's sincere compliment sarcastically (with a forced smile and laugh). He then snaps angrily: BOB My pleasure. For the next song, maybe I can drive into the river! DAD startles at BOB's aggression. KIDS (cheer, then singing) Yeah! Drive into the river Bob! Oh! Drive into the river Bob!... BOB (cont'd over kid's) Or maybe... You could help me with the MAP! EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD. DAD Oh... Spongebobe and Patrick: I know. We see DAD leaning over attempting to help BOB. Map rustles around, impairing BOB'S vision once again. Van swerves and squeals. INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN. laura (to Junior - teasing and waving ticket in his face.) Is there anything you want me to tell Twippo, when I die? Tires squeal as van swerves. Laura loses her balance and falls against the side of the van. The ticket flies out a side window. DAD Laura! LaURA (GASP!!!) EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD. We watch the ticket fly out the window and past the camera. intERIOR. vAN - nIGHT LAURA (screams) My ticket!!!!! Bob startles, accidently turning the wheel and losing his grip on the map. bob Wha-? Dad startles, whacking Bob again with his guitar, which only makes the situation worse. dad Huh? Wha... Quick! Get it! exT. winding road -nIGHT The vans tires squeal, as Bob tries to regain control. bob The map!! Guitar boing off Bob's head. Dad Sorry! BOB AAAH! laura (irate) My ticket!!!!! Guitar gets stuck in the steering wheel. Bob Do you mind? DaD I'm stuck. (Grunt) Dad struggles to free the guitar. He is excited when he finally pulls it free, but both Dad and Bob are horrified as they realize that the steering wheel is pulled off, still stuck to the guitar. ALL Aaaahhhh! Bob Get it on! Fix it! Put it back! Much chaos. Van out of control. We hear more yelling, guitar boinging, etc.... In the foreground, a family of porcupines - a momma and 2 kids, are crossing the road. The van is headed right at them! We cut to the momma porcupine's reaction. She's shocked and terrified! She looks to her babies. Cute, innocent and unaware of the danger, they look back at her with kinked heads and blink. Momma porcupine looks tenderly at her babies, then turns angrily toward the approaching van. Dramatically, she "winds-up". INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN. We cut back to Bob as the map falls below his eyes. He reacts in terror to what he then sees: Momma porcupine has her quilled back toward the van with her head turned - looking right at him. The babies stand innocently and blink. BOB PORCUPINE! EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD. Momma porcupine then "pitches" a swarm of quills at the front tires. We follow the flight of the quills on the "quill cam" as they punch into the tires. We hear a couple of explosions from the tires popping. INTERIOR - NIGHT. VEGGIE VAN. all AAAHH! EXTERIOR - NIGHT. WINDING RURAL ROAD. The van performs some donuts as it continues forward. Much screams. Bob spins the wheel wildly, trying to regain control of the van. The porcupines watch in interest as the "screaming" van spins off the side of the road and heads down a steep wooded hill that leads to a river! Bob steers wildly as the van heads through some brush... the kids in the back scream in terror. In rapid succession, Bob must avoid a series of obstacles, which Dad calls out like a highly-caffeinated sports announcer. daD Tree!!!! Bob swerves wildly to miss a huge tree. Cut to kids in the back, bouncing up and down and screaming as if they were riding bikes down a flight of stairs. dad (cont'd) Cabin!!!! Bob swerves wildly to miss a small FISHERMAN'S CABIN. He avoids the obstacle, but heads right toward the fisherman's CLOTHESLINE, a sturdy, multi-line job strung with several items of clothing, most prominently, a large pair of polka-dotted boxer shorts. DAD (cont'd) UNDERWEAR!!!!!! Bob can't turn in time, and the van heads right through the clothesline, with the boxer shorts plastered across the windshield. The kids startle and scream as if an alien had just landed on the windshield. Amazingly, the 5 nylon cords of the clothesline hold tight, and slow the van to a stop like a small plane caught by cartoon power lines. With visible and audible tension, the stretched cords hold the van still at a 45 degree angle on the side of the hill, no more than 20 feet from the river. Kids Aaaaaahhh! intERIOR van -nIGHT All is still. Kids are silent, in shock. After a moment, Bob turns to look back and says... boB Heh, heh... Well I'm glad that's over! There is a loud "poing!" SFX. Bob snaps to Dad, who still hasn't moved. bob (cont'd) Did you say something? dad NO!! Another "poing," and now we see what it is. The nylon cords of the clothesline are snapping, one by one. BOB (cont'd) (eyes widening) Oh... dad (eyes widening) ... dear... Poing! Poing! Poing! The last 3 cords snap in rapid succession, and the van lurches toward the river. The kids' eyes widen and they all press back against their seats in unison, and everyone screams like mad! all Aaaaaaaaah!!!!!! eXT. hill -nIGHT As the van rolls perilously toward the river, a low-angle shot reveals a thick tree stump in its path, about bumper-height, unnoticed by the van's occupants. As they scream and roll ahead, suddenly the bumper meets the tree stump, and the van stops cold, no more than 6 feet from the river and it explode intERIOR. vAN - nIGHT The tree stump stops the van cold, but also fires both front seat airbags, which inflate and completely engulf Bob and Dad's faces. The screaming dies out. Silence. The kids are afraid to blink. The airbags remain completely inflated, engulfing Bob and Dad who stare into them motionless... wondering if they are dead. After a pause, and not quite sure what has happened, Bob speaks. bob (sfx - talking in balloon) Am I in... Wisconsin? Beat. There is dust in the air from the airbags. Dad: (sniffs) Smells like... Texas somewhere. The kids finally let their breath out, and fall back into their seats. KiDS (exhale / sigh) Phew!!! EXT. RIVERSIDE -NIGHT LS of the van at the bank of the river. After a pause, the sliding passenger side door opens and we see the veggie kids and dad peeking out into the moonlit night. Dust is settling. Bob pops through the crowd, looks around and exits the van. He looks around a little more. BOB Well. Nobody got hurt! We hear the flying quill SFX and a doink. BOB (cont'd) AAAAHHHH! BOB looks over his "shoulder" to find a small quill stuck in his behind. We hear high pitched laughing. Dad looks back up the hill and sees the three porcupines standing where the van left the road. This time one of the babies has his back to Bob - as if he were the one responsible for the "shot". His mother and sibling are laughing approvingly. DAD Wow. What a shot! BOB (in pain) Hrrrgrrr. JR Hey! What's that? Everyone directs their attention to that which Jr. has observed. It's an old rundown shack under a bridge along the bank of the river. The lights from the building glow eerily, dimly illuminating the surrounding landscape. A Red Neon sign reading "SEAFOO" buzzes. There is a dock attached to the restaurant to which are tied a couple decrepid rowboats and a larger "pirate" type ship (see "The Pirates that Don't do Anything's" ship). A fog rises from the river which overflows onto the land. A FOG HORN sounds and a SHIP BELL rings. An occasional SEAGULL call fills the air. Eerie. Cut back to our group's reaction. ALL (except BOB,) Oooooh. ANNIE What's "SEAFOOFAES"? PERCY ... Maybe it's like... toe. DAD ... Only salsier. Cut back to the restaurant. A "D" on the end of the sign flickers a few times, revealing the real word, "SEAFOODOOFAES". ALL AAAhhhhh. FADE TO:Black . FADE IN: Interior - night. LOBBY of Seafood restaurant We hear Jr. teasing Laura and Bob scolding Dad as our group comes through the front door of the seafood restaurant. It's set up like a typical Red Lobster with a hostess station and waiting area in the lobby, bathrooms and telephones off to the side and a dining room beyond a clam and lobster montage arch. Jean Claude and Phillipe Pea are the hosts and are standing on the host podium. The walls are filled with every imaginable sea creature - both stuffed and painted. Fishing nets hang. A picture of Ahab and Moby Dick adorns the walls, as well. The atmosphere is very mysterious and "salty." The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything's theme in a "moody/nautical" style is playing over the audio system. Dialogue is occurring simultaneously: BOB Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for you we wouldn't be in this mess! (Reverse) daD I said I was sorry... I'll do better next time! BOB There isn't gonna be a next time!! ANNIE Mr. Bob? BOB (very disgruntled) I don't know about any bald... bunnies... Pmercy: I'm a Bald (x4) laURA Even if we make it to the concert - I can't get in! I lost my ticket! (singing) I'm a bald bunny, looking kinda silly I'm a bald bunny, feeling really chilly... lauRA (mourning) I lost my ticket! JR (to Laura) If you hadn't been teasing me with it, we might not be in this mess, Laura! Laura looks down sadly. JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIP PEA observe our friends as they enter the restaurant and put up with the racket momentarily, then can take no more... Jean claude & phillip (clearing throats, together) eh.. eh.. Ahem... May we help you? Our friends stop in their tracks and look up to the imposing hosts. They all pause for a moment then blurt out simultaneously: BOB The Asparagus whacked me in the head with a guitar and our van got taken out by a mad porcupine, then another one got me... BOB turns around and shows his back side with the quill sticking out. PERCY (singing) Bald, bald, bunny, bunny Look over there bunny! Hair over there bunny! What fur? That fur! There's some fur bald bunny! DAD Maybe it's because I'm used to the ukulele... The neck is so much shorter... Yeah... that's why... Say... I need to call my wife... Do you have a phone? JR Laura was teasing me with her "special ticket," and then it flew right out the window and she screamed and made the van crash.. Jr turns to Laura JR (cont'd) and now none of us get to see Twippo! ANNIE waits for everyone to finish shouting, then comments sweetly: ANNIE May I please use the bathroom? JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIPE look at each other then turn back to the crowd. PHillipe Down the hall, Allah het nWOD. ANNIE (Censored) you. ANNIE hops off toward the bathroom. There is a video game at the end of the hall, as well. PERCY looks on. PERCY Oooh! Captain Ahab's Moby Blaster! My favorite! PERCY follows ANNIE down the hall. JEAN CLAUDE What do you want? BOB Well sirs... The Asparagus hit me in the head with a guitar and an angry mother porcupine shot out our tires and one of her babies got me... BOB turns his bottom toward peas JEAN CLAUDE & PHILLIPE oooh. DAD ... and I need to use your phone to call... BOB (cutting off Dad) A toe. DAD ...My wife. JEAN CLAUDE I see. PhILLIPE (to Dad) Next to the Moby Blaster. DAD Thanks. DAD hops off toward the phone. BOB, JR. and LAURA remain. JEAN CLAUDE ... Well... In the meantime, would you like to have a seat? Maybe enjoy a nice... combo platter?... Cheesy DRUMS starts up... JEAN CLAUDE & PHILLIPE (singing) Steak! Steak! Eat it! Eat it! Shrimp! Shrimp! Need it! Need it! Steak and Shrimp! Steak and Shrimp! Need to! Need to! Eat it! Eat it! JEAN CLAUDE and PHILLIPE do a little dance as they sing. DRUMS stop as abruptly as they started. BOB, LAURA and JR look at each other, concerned. BOB returns a cautious nod. INTERIOR - NIGHT. DINING ROOM OF SEAFOOD RESTAURANT BOB, LAURA and JR hop toward their table. They are led by JEAN CLAUDE (menus in hand) and followed by PHILLIPE. PHILLIPE takes note of the quill in BOB'S behind. THE PIRATES WHO DON'T DO ANYTHING theme MUSIC plays over the sound system. PhILLIPE Do you prefer "poking" or "non-poking?" BOB returns an annoyed, forced laugh to PHILLIP'S bad pun. BOB heh heh heh... non. JEAN CLAUDE Good one Phillipe! You are one clever pea, no? PHILLIPE (with his little French laugh) Un huh huh! PHILLIPE "yanks" the quill out. This can be implied with a sound effect ("doink") and then showing Phillipe holding the quill. BOB AAAH! PHILLIPE stops hopping and stands there examining the quill as JEAN CLAUDE continues with the other three. PHILLIPE (looking at quill) Whala! A skewer for zee scampi! PHILLIPE hops back toward the kitchen, revealing (rack focus) three scraggly pirates in a booth. It's "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything": Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt and Larry. They join into the intercom music lazily singing like old high school football players reminiscing about their glory days: PIRATES (Singing) We are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything! We just stay home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything, We'll just tell you... We don't do anything! Cut back to JEAN CLAUDE, BOB, JR and LAURA as they reach their booth. Coincidently, it is right beside where the pirates are sitting. The booths are divided by a sheet of translucent Plexiglas. We hear the light, lazy banter of the pirates (having finished their little chorus) beyond the glass as background noise. JEAN CLAUDE Please make yourselves comfortable, I will be back to take your orders... JEAN CLAUDE places menus on table and hops away. BOB Why don't you two wait here. I'm gonna go call a tow truck. Maybe we can still make it to the concert on time. BOB hops off. lAURA (sadly) Yeah... everyone but me... jR Hey, it's your own fault for teasing me! You're just getting what you deserve! LAURA is frustrated and hurt. She looks to BOB hopping off. Jr. smiles, self-righteously. LAURA (frustrated noise) Hrrrrrrrg... I'm coming with you Mr. Bob... PIRATES lib lazy comments LAURA hops off after BOB. JR remains at the table, gloating in the "divine justice" of Laura's plight. He looks around the restaurant, taking in the surroundings - which are slightly eerie once again. He can see the silhouettes of the pirates through the Plexiglas. They continue their banter. He realizes he is alone, and feels a little frightened. We return to JR. at the table. He nervously looks around, then spots the menu in front of him. He opens it up and starts to read. We scan it as he reads... STEAK AND SHRIMP ... $10.00 SCAMPI ON A SKEWER ... $7.50 SCAMPI ON A CLEAN SKEWER ... $10.00 COMPASSION ... MARKET PRICE This last item seems odd to JR. He raises an eyebrow. We hear a SLIDING SFX. PA GRAPE Excuse me! JR is taken by surprise and startles. He drops his menu, revealing the pirates. They have slid back the translucent Plexiglas from between the booths and now seem quite close. They're all staring at JR. JR AAAAAH! LARRY How's it goin? MR. LUNT Hey. What's up? JR (still scared) Who are you? PIRATES look around and behind themselves. PA GRAPE Who us? JR thought the question was obvious. JR ...Yeah... PA GRAPE Oh!... We are... "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!"... MR. LUNT Oh you know that's right. LARRY Nothin'. MR. LUNT Zilch. LARRY Nada. PA GRAPE ... Didn'tcha hear our song? JR Well.. yeah... but... PA GRAPE Look... Sonny... Can I call you Sonny? JR Junior. PA GRAPE Hey! Pretty close! Look... Junior... We couldn't help but notice you were havin' a little thing with your friend over there. MR. LUNT Yeah. You weren't being very nice... JR Well, it's her own fault! She was teasing me and now she's getting what she deserves! PA GRAPE Right. (pause) Junior... we've seen these types of situations before. MR. LUNT Happens all the time. PA GRAPE What you need is a little compassion. LARRY ...And maybe some scampi. JR throws off LARRY'S comment and comments to PA; JR Hey... I saw that in the menu... What is that? What's compassion? MR. LUNT Ooh. That's a hard question. LARRY Mmmm Hmmm. PA GRAPE Well... Compassion is when ya see that someone needs help, and ya wanna help 'em! JR looks confused. PA GRAPE (cont'd) That's what I thought you'd say. MR. LUNT They all do. LARRY Yep. PA GRAPE We find it helpful to illustrate with a little story. FIB What you need is a Story. JR seems interested. JR A story? PA GRAPE Yep. You know, we call ourselves, "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything." But that's not entirely accurate... MR. LUNT Yeah! Remember when we did that one thing... with that one guy? PA GRAPE Oh do I ever... LARRY (dreamily) I remember it like it was yesterday... ...yay... FADE TO: ext - day. marketplace of small, israeli town. 3 pirates approach merchant's booth. Mr. Nezzer is merchant. He eyes them suspiciously, but with mild amusement, like one eyes the town eccentric who insists on wearing his underpants on the outside. nezzer Are you guys still doin' that 'pirate thing?' lunt (resents statement) Arrgh!! Watch yer tongue matey, or we'll hafta... (to comrades after beat) What will we do? larry We won't do anything. We're 'The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything', remember? lunt (let down) Oh, that's right. (fierce again) Arrgh! Ya got off easy today! Nezzer gives him a 'whatever' look and goes about his business. laRRY We need more "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curls!" pa GRAPE Ya! And root beer! nEZZER I told you boys - no more cheese curls until you pay your tab! You still owe me from last week! LuNT But, you'll take away out chance to win the "Mister Twisty's Twisted Cheese Curl Sweepstakes!" Nezzer ... Come again? Pa GRAPE Inside one of those bags of cheesy goodness is a golden ticket that'll change our lives forever!! NeZZER (thinks) Well... you could work here for me... That way you could EARN more cheese curls... PiRATES Okay! Sounds good! etc. NEZZER So, uh... Whadaya know how to do? Pirates think. Pa GRAPE Well... I'm pretty good at lawn darts... LarRY Ping-pong! I can play ping-pong! LunT Croquet is my spe-ci-al-ity... Nezzer just stares at them. Pa GRAPE When do we start? Nezzer slams the gate down on his booth. Pa GRAPE (cont'd) Monday's good for me... pA narrator (V.O.) We were short on cash. It seems not doin' anything didn't pay very well. lunt So, what do we do now? laRRY Mmm - nothing. LuNT You are a genius! Pirates exit, passing by booth where Man is buying fish from Ninevites. 2 Ninevites have a pile of old fish in front of them. Flies buzz around the pile. Man Are these fish fresh? jeAN CLAUDE You bet! PhilLIPE Oh, ya! Man sniffs - fish are obviously rotten. He nearly faints, then turns and walks away indignantly. Man Oh! jeAN CLAUDE What?!? They were fresh when we caught them... PhILLIPE Zat's right... JeaN CLAUDE ...two weeks ago!! Jean CLAUDE & PHILLIPE Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha hee! Other Ninevite laughs. Cut to Larry - looking on. larrY (concerned/disgusted) Mm. Ninevites. pa narrator (VO) Beside the fact that we were low on funds, this was a memorable day because he showed up! Larry and others turn to look at a tall figure entering the market. It is JONAH (Archibald Asparagus), riding very regally on his camel REGINALD. As Pa speaks, we watch Jonah ride into the market as well as the reactions of the crowd to the presence of a prophet. (SCORE - Theme 2B-271.) pa narrator (cont'd) Jonah! (musical sting) Now Jonah was a prophet of God - which means he was one of the very special people God used to deliver messages to Israel. nEZZER (yelling out) What's the word, Jonah?!? townspeople (various) (What's the word? Yeah, what's the word?) Droid! Jonah looks around smartly, then pulls up his camel. jonah Dear people, I bring you a song a word on fire! The crowd catches their breath and stiffens, fearing the worst. Crowd Gasp! joNAH Next song little bit, little louder you know! CROWD Phew! (Sigh?) Crowd relaxes visibly. jonAH (singing) Do not fight, Do not cheat, Wash your hands before you eat, There is nothing quite as sweet - a message from the Lord! Be a friend, Say your prayers, Heaven loves a heart that cares, That is why I've come to share a message from the Lord! And if you follow God's commands - There will be peace throughout the land! You will live long and happy lives! With your sheep - your kids - your wives!! joNAH (cont'd) (singing) Don't eat pigs, Show merchant selling pork products. He tries to look inconspicuous. jonah (cont'd) Don't eat bats. MERCHANT #2 is selling "bat-on-a-sticks". He tries to look inconspicuous. jonah (cont'd) Don't eat beetles, flies or gnats. MERCHANT #3 is selling, you guessed it, bug burgers. He too, tries to look inconspicuous. jonah (cont'd) Stay away from all of that! A message from the Lord! 3 merchants pull out new signs or flip tables over. All 3 are now selling bagels. jonah (cont'd) (singing) Do what's right, Don't provoke, Jonah approaches MAN WEARING CLOAK. joNAH (cont'd) (singing) Put four tassels on your cloak. KID next to man cracks up. joNAH (cont'd) (singing) Do not laugh, it's not a joke! A message from the Lord! Townspeople start to pick up song. Jonah echoes each line with a "That's right! Now you've got it!" Etc. Townspeople (singing) Do not fight, Do not cheat, woman #1 Wash your hands before you eat, man #1 There is nothing quite as sweet - WOman #2 a message from the Lord! joNAH All together now! towNSPEOPLE (singing) Be a friend, Say your prayers, Heaven loves a heart that cares, That is why he came to share a message from the Lord! Repeat stanza instrumentally. Tempo picks up - townspeople break into 'Oklahoma'-style dance around market. Townspeople resume singing at new tempo. towNSPEOPLE (cont'd) And if we follow God's commands - Women in Cart Yodel-ah-ha-ah Townspeople There will be peace throughout our land! WoMEN IN CART Yodel-ah-ha-ah ToWNSPEOPLE We will live long and happy lives! With our sheep - our kids - our wives!! Do what's right, Don't provoke, Put four tassels on your cloak. Do not laugh, it's not a joke! A message from the Lord! joNAH Don't do drugs! Stay in school! Don't do drugs! Stay in school! Don't do drugs! Stay in School! joNAH Follow them and you're no follow you- townSPEOPLE Follow them and you're no follow you- joNAH Follow them and you're no follow you, ???: Bear! all A message from the Lord!! joNAH Follow them and you're no follow you, all A message from the Lord! A message from the Lord!! Crowd strikes a final pose - holds it for a few beats - then everyone goes back to their business. joNAH Alright, good show everyone! Thank you very much! pa nARRATOR (vo) That was pretty much Jonah's life! Town to town... bringing God's messages to his friends... not a bad gig, overall! Lol! a GRAPE Yup. It sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to Jonah's enemies. Bob returns, sliding into the booth, oblivious to the story. bob The tow truck's on it's way. Ya know, Junior, I love your dad and all, but that's the last time I pick him for a copilot Bob notices the pirates staring. bOB (cont'd) Uh... what's going on? Lunt slurps on his straw. Pa stares at him for a beat. pa GRAPE Ahem... We're telling a little story. You should listen, too. Bob glances around, then nods and smiles feebly. pa GRAPE (cont'd) As I was saying, it sounded like God wanted to offer mercy to the Ninevites. laura What's 'mercy'? lunt It's what this whole story is about! junior I thought it was about compassion... remember? The menu? Mr. Lunt looks a little embarrassed. lunt Uh, yeah. There's that, too. pa GRAPE Better check your menu again - we got TWO specials today... and they go hand in hand! Junior picks up his menu, just in time to see "MERCY..... MARKET PRICE" fade in right beneath compassion. larry Compassion is when you want to help someone who needs help. Mercy is when you give someone a second chance... even if they don't deserve it! This story is about both of them! PA GRAPE That's right, my cucumber friend. Ya can't have mercy without compassion... but mercy is even more important! Jonah was afraid God was going to give Nineveh a second chance - that he was going to help them even though they didn't deserve it! laura So what did he do? dissOLVE TO: ext - day. outside jonah's tent. pa nARRATOR Well, never before had he gotten a message from God that he didn't want to deliver! He didn't know what to do! Jonah backs out of tent, shutting the flap behind him. No sooner does he turn around, than he is greeted warmly by townspeople. jerry Good morning, Jonah! What's the word? Jonah starts to panic. joNAH What? joNAH (cont'd) (running, looking over shoulders to make sure no one's following) reverse Jonah runs face first into giant map of middle east, posted next to a merchant's booth advertising cruise tickets. cut TO: ext - day. dockside. The merchant is SCOOTER. He has a small booth right at the edge of the dock. He sells tickets for cruises out of this small port. There are several ships docked behind him, one of which belongs to the Pirates. scooter sus... Sorry, sir! I can't sell ya a ticket to Ninivavinin! jonAH (confused) What?!? Who are you?!? scooter The name's Sis. I sell cruise tickets! There's nothing like Sea, aye? But ya can't sail! It's laird! See? (gestures with a loud 'thwack!' to map with pointer) Ya can't go by land... ya gotta go by sea! wOMAN #1 Oh, hello Mr. Jonah! What's the word? sCOOTER Ah! (X10) He's goin' ta Ninivavinin!! wOMAN #1 Oh, really? jonAH (erupts) I am not going to Ninivavinin! Why on Earth would I want to go to Ninivavinin?!? In fact, I'm going in the opposite direction! (looks to map) What's the furthest thing in the world from Ninivavinin? SCOOTER Well if you have a few days, you could sail down to Tarshish... it's lovely this time of year... Something on the map has caught Jonah's eye. He isn't listening. jonAH There! I want to go there! Camera follows Jonah's gaze to the far end of the map - to an area called "Egypt." SCOOTER Wha-? Egypt? Why, that would take wiis! It's the other end of the world!! jonAH Per (x6) fect! How much? SCOOTER Even if you had the money, no one around here has the time to sail all the way to Egypt... Scooter notices one of the Pirates lounging above deck in a recliner, listening to their theme song on a cheap, AM radio.